Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Only because Shannon is a doll.

If you could go back in time and relive one moment, what would it be?
I'd have to say my college graduation. It was 8 years in the making...there were times when I really wanted to give up, but I kept pushing forward. I was so genuinely proud of myself and grateful for everyone who helped me along the way. I wish I could just have that day bottled up so I could relive it whenever I want and remind me of what I've accomplished.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
I would've applied to grad school this last December. I don't think this "break" is helping me!

What movie/TV character do you most resemble in personality?
Yikes...I guess Fran Kubelik from Wilder's The Apartment. She's smart, but she's had her moments of naivety. She's confident, but also insecure. I always watch that film and think, "Yep, I hear ya, Fran."

If you could push one person off a cliff and get away with it, who would it be?
The person who created variables in mathematic equations. (They're already dead though, so blah.)

Name one habit you want to change in yourself.
I wish I wasn't such a pushover sometimes. I think I'm too kind. Or maybe I'm too cowardly...who knows.

Describe yourself in one word.
Resilient. Maybe this contradicts my previous answer, but we're all just contradictions, aren't we?

Describe the person who named you in this meme in one word.
Good-hearted. (Yes, I can this by reading tweets!)

Why do you blog? Answer in one sentence.
Sometimes thoughts are better said in writing.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The High School Dance

Sweaty palms. Clumsy feet. Earaches from standing too close to the speakers. I remember all of it. The anxiety I felt over going stag again with my closest friends. The tedious time spent in shopping malls fretting over what outfit to wear just in case the guy you were crushing on would for some miraculous reason ask you to dance. It was all about impressions and statements and everything in between. The dance was where you either conquered the momentary love of your life or failed to be even slightly noticed.

As much as I despised all of it, I made a conscious effort to make appearances. But secretly, I didn't want anything to do with it. High school dances were nothing but a self-indulgent event for all the people who loved high school, who considered it the "best time of their lives." It was all too forced and fabricated for me, personally. I always knew I'd get over that crush and the fact that he never did ask me to dance. In fact, I knew I'd forget his name and that none of it would even matter ten years down the road. Some people saw high school as the pivotal point in their life. I saw it as a small stepping stone, an insignificant event I had to put up with until the real important shit came along. I didn't want to be another hamster in a wheel.

If it hadn't been for my less-than-impressive GPA or the fact that I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, I would've been on a plane somewhere far from here. I wanted to start over, be anonymous, be forgotten and never look back. But it didn't quite work out that way. When you stay in Santa Ana post high school, the dance never seems to end.

For as long as I've stuck around here, I've done a pretty decent job at dodging awkward run-ins with people I'd like to forget. I don't care if so and so had a baby or that once popular cheerleader put on 50 lbs. It never comes as a surprise. Half of those girls were already banging a guy or two in high school and getting knocked up was inevitable. And once the cheerleader stopped cheering, the Cheetos she consumed on a daily basis finally caught up. Natural metabolism can only do so much.

My best friends call me a snob for declining Facebook friend requests from people we went to school with, but let's just say I'm "keeping it real." I don't care to impress anyone who attended that concrete slab we all called Century Penitentiary. I don't make any conscious efforts for anyone but my closest friends and family. For me, the dance ended my senior prom back in 2002. I can't control the fact that I'm still somewhat stuck in Santa Ana, but I can control who I keep in touch with, who I choose to share my life and future plans with. For some people, Santa Ana is where they were born and it's where they will die. The dance will continue. People will stay superficial and pretend they're all great friends unified under a school mascot. They'll convince themselves that Santa Ana is the best place on Earth. As for me? I want to be the hamster that escapes. Fuck the wheel.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Makes you appreciate the awkward years


It's such a shame this show only lasted a season. I really wish I had tuned in when it was on TV. The episodes were so well-written and the characters loveable in every sense. I will always hold The Wonder Years on a very high pedestal, but this show ranks very high on my list.

Friday, June 25, 2010

A slump.

I know it's barely going to be a month since I graduated, but I'm already terrified I've fallen into a slump. I've applied to a few jobs and haven't heard back from any of them. Pretty discouraging.

When I get home from work, I pretty much feel fried. I feel like retail is killing me, literally. I've had this shooting pain in my back from the lack of support in my shoes and the fact that sometimes I work eight hours straight without a break. I don't know how much longer I can listen to my own sales pitch. I'm sick of beauty products. I'm sick of working so hard for such little pay.

I feel like my creative side is lacking life and luster. I have so many ideas, so many beginnings and middles without ends. I start writing and always hit a wall. I haven't read a book in months. I feel like a total slug.

I know this is temporary and I can't let anything stand in my way of my dream, but God do I wish something good would come my way. A little help. A little...something.

Is it Sunday yet?

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Push the reset button.

Can't sleep. I'm sure the exhaustion I actually feel will kick in in about 20 min...In the meantime, I thought I'd write. I'm feeling slightly anxious right now. As happy as I am about graduation, the typical melancholia is setting in. Being a student was such a big part of my identity for the last eight years of my life. And even though I am set on going to grad school within in the next 2 years, I am flipping out over the various huge question marks that are currently lingering over my head. Where should I apply? What writing sample should I include? What if I do awful on my GRE's? What professors should I seek advice from? What if I'm not good enough? What if I don't get any to any of the programs I apply to? Augh. I know I just have to reset my goals list again and take it one step at a time. Right now, I just feel like I'm at point A. I'm hating the thought of working at PB full-time. My resume right now is totally unimpressive and needs major polishing and updating. I'd also like to get back my writing. I need to compile the books I want to read over the summer. I need to get back into a healthy workout routine. I need to do so much!

This to do list is growing...Also, my exhaustion has kicked in.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Embrace it.


This morning, I was looking through an old journal of mine from 2003. I had just begun to discover my passion for writing and was already at work with my first "novel." I think I wrote about fifteen pages until I realized my idea was completely ridiculous and I myself, was not interested in the subject matter. Now I've got a story I'm actually excited about and looking forward to working on (and maybe even finishing) this summer. As I get ready to graduate tomorrow, I'm still not having doubts about every decision I made up until this point. I'm glad I switched my major a gazillion times. I can't imagine going into any other field and feeling satisfied. I enjoy creating characters and worlds filled with emotions far too much. I'm going to embrace the self-doubt and self-loathing that comes with being an aspiring writer. It's my dream. I am living my dream.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Adios Orange County?


Last night, Mark and I saw an article on Huffington Post regarding the ten best/worst cities to live in post-graduation. Coincidentally enough, Austin, Texas showed up on the best list. Not surprisingly, Los Angeles was on the worst. Ever since John mentioned how the Austin's been flourishing to Mark and I discovered it's home to a top MFA Creative Writing program, I've been curious. With Mark's graduation this weekend and mine approaching rather quickly, I feel my head spinning with excitement, fear and motivation. Aside from my family and few close friends, there's nothing really holding me back here in Orange County. I'm dying for a change of pace and scenery. And, the thought of not having to pay over a thousand dollars for a measly one bedroom apartment in Orange County is kind of...refreshing. I just keep looking at pictures and reading about the city and I ask myself, "Why not?" I mean, Mark's already made a big move once. And, what better person to have a new adventure with than your best friend? I feel those Austin city lights calling...